Lights come up on GUY 1 one standing center stage. He is looking off stage right.

GUY 2 walks in stage left. GUY 2 spots GUY 1 and walks over to him.



GUY2: Hey, uh, can you tell me where I am?

GUY1: Hi, GUY 2. You’re part of my play.. You’re about to ask me why?

GUY2: What?

GUY1: Just ask why.

GUY2: Alright, why?

GUY1: To move the plot along.



[GIRL walks in stage right, GUY3 close behind. GUY 3 is hunched over, wringing hands, looking shifty.]



GUY2: Who are they?

GUY1: That’s Girl and Guy3. Girl is soon going to fall in love with me and we live happily ever after. Guy3 is her current boyfriend.



[RANDOM enters and leaves stage left]



GUY2: Who was that?

GUY1: That was Random. They come and go erratically throughout.



GUY2: [Pauses] Why am I here again?

GUY1: I told you before, plot development.

GUY2: Okay then… What’s the plan on you getting Girl from Guy3?

GUY1: It’s simple really. Guy3 is the villain of this play. I’m the hero. She’ll soon fall for me.

GUY2: And what if she doesn’t?

GUY1: [produces sandwich] Do you like ham and cheese?

GUY2: No?

GUY1: Well in my play, you do. Eat up.

GUY2: Gee… thanks. [Takes bite of sandwich.] So… when’s she gonna fall for you?

GUY1: Right….. now.



[GIRL suddenly gasps and slaps GUY3. GIRL then storms off to center stage]



GUY1: [Moves to stand next to GIRL] Hello.

GIRL: Uh… hi?

GUY1: Shall we leave, my love, far away from this horrid place?

GIRL: What? Your love? What are you talking about?

GUY1: Yes! This is my play! I am the hero and you are my damsel. You could very well go off with him [indicates GUY2] but he’s eating a ham and cheese, and you’re a vegan, so that leaves only me. We are about to end the play.

GIRL: Uh… okay? How do we end it?

GUY1: The play ends with the lights dimming and us moving into kiss.



[GUY1 and GIRL move in to kiss, the lights dimming.]

GUY2: Hold up! Hold up! [Lights come back up] This has to be the sappiest, most boring play ever written!

GUY1: You can leave then.

GUY2: No, I will not leave. This play needs action! Bring in the Pirates!



[Enter PIRATES 1 and 2]



GUY1: You can’t run this play!



[Enter RANDOM stage left]



GUY2: Sure I can! I’m plot development guy, aren’t I?

GUY1: But this is my play!

GUY2: [To GUY1] Well, now it’s mine. [To PIRATES] Pirates! Kidnap the girl!



[PIRATES shout and take GIRL off stage right. RANDOM exits with them.]



GUY2: Now, you. Guy3, you’re gonna help our friend Guy1 get his girl back from the pirates. [Shouting off stage right] Pirates! Bring in the girl!



[PIRATES enter with GIRL tied in rope loosely.]



GUY2: Okay, save the girl.

GUY1: [Pointing at GUY3] But he’s the baddie!

GUY2: Now he’s your sidekick.



[GUY3’s character changes, stands heroically]



GUY3: Have no fear! GUY 3 is here!

GUY1: [to GUY2] You’re ruining my play!

GUY2: Am not. Go save the girl, and then you can have the sappy ending you wanted.

GUY1: [with a sigh] Fine!



[GUY1 and GUY3 save GIRL from PIRATES]



GUY3: Good job, partner! [Holds up hand for GUY1 to high-five, but drops it when GUY1 gives him a glare.]

GUY1: [to GIRL] I saved you from the pirates, may I have a kiss?



[Lights dim as GUY1 and GIRL move in for kiss]



GIRL: Alright hold up! Hold up!



[Lights come back up]



GUY1: What? This is the ending to my play!

GIRL: Not mine. Okay, you, Guy 3? Go get some chairs.



[GUY3 exits stage right, returning with chairs. Everyone sits.]



[Enter RANDOM stage right]



GIRL: Alright, it was a dark, stormy night. All were gathered at the great count Zagzoo’s manor for a party of sorts. All was going well when: the lights went out.



[Lights go out]



There was a scream.



[Pause]



I said: there was a scream.



[Pause]



Someone scream!



GUY2: Eep?



GIRL: Very nice. Two gunshots then rang out.



[Pause]



Two gunshots rang out?



[Pause]



Ugh, this is hopeless… Lights up.



[Lights come up. RANDOM is gone]



Someone please make a “bang” sound when I say “two gunshots rang out” okay? [all nod] The lights went out.



[Lights go out]



A scream was heard.



PIRATE2: Arrh?

GIRL: Two gun shots rang out.

GUY2: Bang bang…

GIRL: The lights then came back up and the great count Zagzoo was… Dead!

[Lights come up and nobody has moved]



GUY2: Uh…

GIRL: [with a sigh of exasperation] What?

GUY2: Who’s the great count Zagzoo?

GIRL: [looks around] You! [Points to PIRATE1] You’re the great count Zagzoo.

PIRATE1: Argh! I be the great count Zagzoo!

GIRL: Okay then… lights.



[lights go out]



Gunshots.



[Two real gunshots]



Scream



PIRATE2: Ooh.



GIIRL: Lights come on.



[Lights come up, RANDOM enters] [PIRATE1 is on the ground] [GUY2 is holding hand up in the shape of a gun]



PIRATE2: Argh… I think I solved the murder…

GIRL: You’re supposed to hide the weapon before the lights come up!

GUY2: My bad.

GIRL: Pirate1, get back up, please.



[PIRATE1 doesn’t move]



You’re not dead, Pirate1, get up...



[PIRATE1 still doesn’t move. GUY1 goes and checks PIRATE1’s pulse]



GUY1: [to GUY2] Good going... You managed to kill him with a fake gun.

GUY2: No I didn’t! [Pushes GUY1 out of the way to check PIRATE1’s pulse for himself] Oh… uh, oops?



[RANDOM exits stage right]



GUY3: [Character changes once again] I had walked in on the scene. It looked like a by the book murder. The Great Pirate count Zagzoo was on the ground, dead. Hand gun murder by the looks of things. Two men were standing beside him, possible suspects, yes. I must investigate this case further.



GIRL: Not now, Guy3. Go find Random or something.

GUY3: The girl is trying to deter me. She had a hand in this most likely... But I’m forced to go look for Random. She controls the play.



[GUY3 exits stage right]



GUY2: So… what do we do with Pirate1’s body?

GIRL: I dunno, go bury it or something.

GUY2: Where?

GIRL: Off stage right, in the graveyard.

GUY2: Uh… isn’t that where psycho just went?

GIRL: He’s off looking for Random. You can get the body buried before he finds them and brings them here. Pirate2, help Guy2 bury the body.



[GUY2 and PIRATE2 look at each other, shrug and drag PIRATE1 off stage right]



GUY1: [After GUY2 and PIRATE2 leave, he gets up] You! Say you’re sorry!

GIRL: Excuse me?

GUY1: You ruined my play and then killed off Pirate1!

GIRL: It’s a murder mystery! Somebody’s gotta die!

GUY1: Yeah, because everyone loves a good who-dun-it, right?

GIRL: Just like how everyone isn’t over all the sappy love stories being shoved down their throats?

GUY1: At least nobody dies!

GIRL: Because that’s totally realistic!

GUY1: And a Pirate count is too isn’t it?

GIRL: Ugh, I’m through with this. Enter Pirate2 and Guy2.



[GUY2 and PIRATE2 enter stage right, being drag by the upper arms by GUY3]



GUY3: I had found these two wastes of carbon burying the body of Zagzoo in the nearby cemetery. They must have been ordered to bury him by Girl or possibly Guy1. He did say that he didn’t like how the play was going. He’s on the top of my list right now.



[Enter RANDOM stage left]



GUY2: [Spots RANDOM] Hey! It’s Random! Sic ‘em Psycho!

GUY3: Are you in control of the play?

GUY2: Uh… yes?



[GUY3 drops GUY2 and PIRATE2 and runs over to grab RANDOM]



RANDOM: Guy3 suddenly stops..



[GUY3 suddenly stops]



RANDOM: He then realizes that he’s late for dinner at his mum’s house and exits stage left.

GUY3: [Character changes again] Oh my god, mother’s going to kill me!



[GUY3 runs quickly off stage left.]



RANDOM: Now, Pirate2 remembers that he’s got to get back to the ship before it sails off without him.

PIRATE2: Argh! [Runs off stage right]

GUY1: What are you doing?

RANDOM: Look, I’ve been stuck walking in and out of this stupid piece of literature for a while now, and watching you morons try to make a play is getting pretty aggravating. Now, you, Girl, come with me. See if these two can end the play right.



[RANDOM and GIRL exit.]



[Pause.]



GUY2: So…

GUY1: What?

GUY2: What’s the moral of the play?

GUY1: Pardon?

GUY2: Y’know, the moral, the basic point of the play.

GUY1: I don’t know. Don’t skew other people’s plays otherwise one of the minor characters flips and ends it for you?

GUY2: Sounds good for me.



[Pause]



GUY2: So…

GUY1: What?

GUY2: Dunno. Jus’ wondering if you have any ideas to end this play.

GUY1: What makes you think I’ve got one?

GUY2: You started it.

GUY1: You finish it. I’m through with this play.

GUY2: Fine then. The lights dim as Guys 1 and 2 exit opposite directions.

GUY1: Eh, better than what I had.



[Lights dim as GUY1 and GUY2 exit.]